Dear beautiful stranger, several months ago, it felt like I sat through hours of intense discussion between yourself and your ex, while I quietly ate my carrot cake and pretended to read my book at the next table.
I don’t know why– and because I feel a connection to you as a fellow female of the same age, I’m writing this to you.
You will probably read this one day given that the universe is so small. This letter will resonate to the extent that you might even doubt if I were indeed writing to you.
Though really, that isn’t the point.
When he called you “selfish”, I cringed.
Do you know why he called you selfish? You were called selfish because you probably didn’t even see yourself as someone people could rely on.
It felt that you fear danger in intimate relationships. This probably was less to do with the guy and more to do with your past hurts and trauma, so I hope you work on yourself to grow as a better version of you. 🙂
And most importantly, you were called selfish because you never truly felt that you could rely on the guy in front of you, who called you selfish.
And why? Because he had been blatantly refusing to take his rightful share of responsibility in the dynamic of the relationship, under the pretext that he is an “over-giver”. The relationship turned co-dependent because he had always insisted on taking YOUR share of responsibility.
And ironically, this dude, far from making you feel safe, had you blame yourself for not meeting his needs, even as he played the role of enabling the co-dependent dyanamic.
Girl, you loved him. I knew you would blame yourself “for being selfish”. Which was why you begged in the first place for him not to go, isn’t it?
And from the conversation, it wasn’t the first time you begged, it seemed. And each time he returned, because you promised you would change, as though you were the only one in the relationship.
But know this girl, no matter how much you change, he has to fill the void in himself on his own first. He obviously doesn’t see that he has voids in himself to fill, because in his head is this romanticised narrative of himself as someone who loves unconditionally.
Which is why girl, he is giving YOU mixed signals and making you confused. Love can be unconditional BUT all relationships have conditions.
And you were also giving him mixed signals, because it felt that he was starving for deeper emotional and physical intimacy, whereas it felt that you sensed danger in that. With him and within yourself.
He said you were never vulnerable to him as much as he was to you, and you did not trust him as much as he did trust you.
And then he told you about his cheating on you. He said he made out with this random girl he met on a dating app, while you were out with your friends.
When he said that, I almost choked on my carrot cake.
According to him, he cheated on you because you withheld physical intimacy, and many other emotional needs such as a need for validation, a need for variety and a need to not feel so lonely.
In his head, he cheated on you because you did not meet his needs.
I don’t understand why you begged to stay with him, even though he cheated on you. Was it low self-esteem? You’re such a beautiful lady, and you deserve better.
By “deserve better”, I don’t just mean that you deserve a guy who would not cheat on you. That’s like such a low bar to meet. You deserve a guy who makes you feel safe, contribute to or make you excited about YOUR GROWTH TOGETHER, have awesome physical intimacy and deep emotional ties with.
And as you become a better version of yourself as a single, I just KNOW that you would eventually find this guy.
As you start to first learn to make yourself feel safe, contribute to your own growth, find inner circles to rely on and to be relied on, have relationships at your own pace, be present and enjoy every single moment as your beautiful self…
Babe, you are NOT supposed to fill the void in the guy. HE has the 100% responsibility to fill his own voids, and YOU have 100% responsibility to meet your own. Only then can there be positive contribution to the relationship outside of self.
Currently, it feels like he:
…and he blamed YOU for ALL of the above, on top of all negative aspects in the relationships.
Have you ever wondered if he had ever asked himself how he had created the conflict, and how he can give and receive more positive energy? It seemed like he never asked himself that– he merely went down the vicious circle of “Why are you doing this to me and withholding my needs?”
And it seemed that you, in the begging position, is willing to settle for crumbs. Pretty ironic because it’s usually the other way round that people who were cheated on want to break up with the other party.
The power dynamics is just screwed up my dear. So why not claim 100% responsibility for creating everything that goes on in the relationship too, on your part? Recognise that you also created this sort of dynamics. And the best way to solve this issue is to stop taking responsibility of HIS problems.
Of course, he would then tell you, “See, I told you so, you weren’t meeting my needs.” But claiming 100% responsibility for your part in creating everything that goes on in the relationship does not mean that you take 100% blame.
In fact, it might be wise to insist that he too, take 100% responsibility on his part for creating everything that goes on in the relationship too, since you are taking 100% too. Nothing more, nothing less.
One thing is clear from your conversation with your ex. Your ex is entrenched in a circle of finger-pointing, sees himself as an over-giver and therefore is never at fault.
He probably always wants to put his relationship partner on a pedestal. He doesn’t have any idea of what it is like to work on relationships because he doesn’t have any idea of what it means to take 100% responsibility and demanding that his partner takes the other 100%.
He takes more than 100% responsibility when he shouldn’t, thinks it’s “safe”, the relationship turns codependent, and then he blames you. Guess what, I think he’s unlikely to change because he’s so unaware, and while you will move on to become better, he will just repeat such codependent relationships.
He feels so strongly about wanting an interdependent relationship without seeing HIMSELF as part of the obstacle.
Is he even independent? I don’t think so. He probably doesn’t know himself, and from what transpired during the conversation, it seems that he has never spent sufficient time (if at all) of his adult life as a single due to the intense fear of being alone. He probably didn’t explore who he is and who he isn’t.
If he doesn’t know himself and unconsciously forced a co-dependent relationship, how is it possible that he will ever have an interdependent relationship with you or with someone else?
Let me share an excerpt from the book Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment with you:
” True independence is a rare thing. Many people think of independence as being able to stand alone successfully, but true independence is something else entirely. It is the ability to stand alone and have close relationships…True independence requires that you be able to relate closely to others while maintaining your sense of self. One of the central fears of life is that we will get so close to others that we will be swallowed up. Learning to be fully you at the same time as you are fully in union is the capstone of a healthy life.”
Sounds fucked up, because it is, and I am happy that you got out of such a toxic relationship. YOU DESERVE BETTER, BEAUTIFUL STRANGER!!
After saying so much hurtful words, he also said that in conclusion, that it is nobody’s fault. BTW, that’s so BS that I cannot even. It’s almost an attempt at disengagement, because he doesn’t want to feel like he has hurt you, when he clearly did.
Well this dude has many layers of denial, as though he put plasters on many of his past wounds that he had been withdrawing and projecting on you.
The good news: This dude who lacks awareness, wisdom and knowledge of who he is– isn’t your problem anymore, especially since he tried (unconsciously) to make him your problem previously. 🙂
Dear beautiful stranger, we met again five days ago. I could remember you because not everyone has good skin as you do. I love the orange blush you used, it’s so cute!! You probably didn’t recognise me as the stranger who sat in the table next to you several months ago, having carrot cake and iced cafe latte, reading a book.
You were radiant. You were with a girlfriend, and she looked like someone you could rely on. Look at your wide smiles!
In fact, you looked relieved, and felt so much lighter from when we first met. You dyed your hair a trendy shade, your skin is glowing, and I’m sure you’re in a much better space.
I smiled, too. 🙂 I too, felt so much relief that you are in a much better place now!
With such good skin, I think you can get most guys you want, HAHAHA. You’re a pretty girl, babe!
Do continue working on yourself. Get dating experience, date better guys, not someone like your ex who turn the relationship into a codependent one and then blame you for it. Have faith. 🙂
We just dodged a bullet 🙂